Everyone goes through difficult times emotionally and physically. But sometimes the biggest challenge of all is being able to ask for help—or simply acknowledging that you need it.

In this post, E.A. Casey, a social worker at Iona, shares some tips for finding sources of support as you navigate the hurdles of life.

1. Take a friendventory—an inventory of the people in your life. Who are the people you feel you can trust or look to for input on matters? Take stock of your relationships and think about them in a practical way. A friend who is a good listener might be excellent for providing social support, while a neighbor might be better for lending practical support (such as giving you a ride to a medical appointment.) These are the people you should embrace as part of your support system.
2. Pull your relationships tighter. One way to strengthen your support system is to offer support to others. Consider the ways that people have shown up for you in life and then think about how you might return the favor. For example, call to check in on your friends, or offer to drop a meal off at their house.
3. Be intentional in cultivating your support system. This is especially important for people who don’t have good sources of support. Focus on two tracks: 1) Taking stock of what support you do have and 2) putting a practice in place for finding more support. Perhaps you have a cousin or schoolmate you used to be close with. Set a weekly goal for strengthening that relationship—maybe a 15 minute call or email. Whatever you do, set concrete goals around keeping in touch with people.
4. Build new relationships with people. It’s never too late to add new people to your support network. Put yourself in situations and in a frame of mind where you can meet other people. For example, try an Around Town DC class, look for community programs, or get involved with a cause you care about.
5. Keep yourself physically healthy. This supports your ability to connect with others. Start practicing self-care by engaging in pleasant or stimulating activities. Also, maintain a positive frame of mind—this makes it easier to connect with people and gives you something to connect about.
6. Don’t wait until it’s a crisis situation. Try to be anticipatory—don’t wait until you absolutely need it. If you can, do some early problem solving by collaborating with a friend. How do they think about or deal with issues? This can also be an opportunity to directly ask for help.
7. Seek out formal sources of support. In Washington, DC, there are many resources for older adults—including Senior Villages, Mutual Aid, Iona’s Helpline, and Aging Solo. The AARP Foundation also offers helpful information and solutions for social isolation.

In the same way that we are proactive and intentional around our physical or financial health, we need to do same for our social health. It takes practice and is a muscle that needs to be continually exercised. Keep making connections, and don’t be afraid to ask for help!

 E.A. Casey holds MSW and Master of Public Affairs degrees and is a social worker at Iona.

Social isolation during the pandemic has been a hardship for many people—but especially older adults. For the last year, Dale Brown, founder of a national self-help organization and author of five books, has been leading a social isolation study group for Iona. She is a subject matter expert on “social skills,” which was one of her policy-making areas during her career in the federal government.

We interviewed Dale for Iona’s Aging Solo webinar series and asked her to share her tips for making and maintaining friendships while social distancing during the pandemic.

1. Bring back friendships that have drifted away.Call people who you knew in the past and tell them how much you miss them. If you called in the beginning of the pandemic and they didn’t call back, try again. While people are sheltering at home, they tend to answer the phone more and are more open to having longer, relaxed conversations.
2. Deepen your current friendships.Reveal a little more about yourself and your family than you might have before the pandemic. For example, talk about your adult child’s reaction to the pandemic or the vaccine. Or, you could share a feeling that you might normally hide. “I’m afraid that I’ll get the coronavirus.” “I’m sick of washing my hands.” “I know I need to get the vaccine, but I’m procrastinating signing up.” It is generally better to share something about yourself than to ask a question that might seem intrusive.
3. Set up a regularly scheduled event that will help you and your friends stay in touch. Some families and friendship groups have regular Zoom meetings.  You might set up a weekly or monthly phone call, a time to watch and discuss a specific TV program, or a physically distanced walk.
4. Join your friends’ activities. This is a way to get to know them! If they play an instrument, ask them to perform for you on Zoom. If they wrote a book long ago, ask for the title and then read it. If you know they practice a craft or hobby, ask them to show it to you on Zoom.
5. Get together—six feet apart. If it’s cold outside, consider wearing leg warmers, hand and foot warmers, long underwear, and a jacket. Put lip balm on so that your lips can survive the mask. Take a walk together or stand/sit six feet apart and talk.
6. Make it a habit to pass on compliments. If someone says something positive about your friend, tell them!  “So and so told me how happy she was when you remembered her birthday.”
7. Offer to help your friends in a way that they might find useful. Be sure it is something you like to do so that you can do it cheerfully and feel good about the experience. Examples:

• Offer to double a recipe for a soup or stew and give them a few servings.
• Tell a neighbor you are going to the store and offer to pick something up for them. Ask where to leave it.
• If you are talented with technology, and your friend says they are frustrated because they can’t do something, offer to teach them how.  For example, consider helping your friends sign up for the vaccine.

Remember, if people don’t accept your offer to connect, it doesn’t mean they aren’t interested. Consider asking again. Some people find it difficult to accept help, are busy, or forget.

If someone makes a helpful offer to you, accept even if you worry about imposing on them. As we get older, we need to become more interdependent and comfortable with giving and receiving help.

By Dale Brown

We all experience losses in our lives. As you get older, you’ll likely experience loss in many different forms. Some examples include divorce, the death of a loved one, a close friend moving away, or even the end of a job or relationship. Mourning is the process of how you adapt to and heal from a loss. While there are many different types of loss, this article is going to focus on coping with the loss of a loved one.

Some key factors that affect the mourning process depend on: your relationship to the person who died, the nature of your connection (close, distant, dependent), how the person died, if you’ve experienced other losses and how you managed them, your personality or self-esteem, what social support you have, and other stressors such as financial problems or worldly triggers.

To help you better understand the mourning process, here’s advice and coping strategies to help you on your journey.

There are a number of ways to understand the mourning process. You might be familiar with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s The 5 Stages of Mourning, which she identifies as:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

While understanding your mourning in stages might be helpful, there are drawbacks to this theory. People don’t usually go through the stages in order, or even experience all five.

Another mourning theory is psychologist J. William Worden’s four tasks:

1. To accept the reality of the loss
2. To process the pain of grief
3. To adjust to a world without the deceased
4. To find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life

Your loss journey could be in stages, or tasks, or a number of other ways. No matter how you mourn, there are some common situations or feelings you might encounter. Pay attention to how you respond to these situations. You don’t want to become consumed with negative feelings or spiral downward. You may encounter:

• Grief attacks, or unforeseen surges of extreme emotion, which are common.
• Many emotions at one time, which can be confusing and may cause you to feel even more uneasy or awkward.
• People telling you how you should cope. Your experience is unique and different. Everyone grieves in their own way so be cautious about what advice you choose to accept.
• Isolation—isolating yourself can delay your healing, so be sure to determine who you can talk to about what you’re thinking and feeling.
• Feeling lost or overwhelmed by unanswered questions. You don’t have to figure everything out, as you won’t find answers to all the questions that may be swimming around in your head.

No mourning journey is the same. But there are positive coping strategies we recommend you try such as:

• Be gentle with yourself
• Don’t rush the mourning process. Remind yourself and others that it takes time
• Talk with caring family and friends
• Express your feelings
• Practice your spirituality (attend a memorial service, pray, meditate, etc.)
• Eat healthy foods
• Stay physically AND socially active
• Maintain a regular schedule, but take it easy and avoid unrealistic goals
• Postpone major life decisions
• Be aware of your triggers (holidays, anniversary of their death, death of someone else, etc.)
• Make a memory book about the individual
• Honor your loved one (e.g., plant a tree, donate money to their favorite cause)
• Join a bereavement support group
• Get individual counseling if grief is overwhelming or persistent
• See a doctor if unusual symptoms occur

As you work through the loss of a loved one, there are also not-so-positive coping strategies. We recommend that you avoid abusing drugs and alcohol, ignoring feelings, and isolating yourself. These actions will not help you heal long term, and may actually heighten your grief.

Remember that there is no set time schedule for mourning. It’s not the same for everyone and shouldn’t be rushed.

If you are mourning a loss, seek out and talk to others. You are not alone.

If you think you may need professional help, or aren’t sure where to start looking, Iona’s Information & Referral Helpline is a great place to start – call (202) 895-9448 and ask for the Helpline.

May is Mental Health Month. Are you giving your mental health the right attention? If you’re not sure, you’re not alone!

People are affected by depression, anxiety, and other challenging emotions. At Iona, we want you to be able to display your best self, as reflected in our tagline: Age Well. Live Well.

To achieve this, here are some questions to ask yourself, and to discuss with your primary care doctor, to take stock of your mental health.

1. Are you consistently getting a full night’s rest? Getting at least 8 hours of sleep helps you maintain energy and focus.
2. Are you eating balanced meals regularly? Eating the right foods also helps you maintain high energy, without giving you the ‘itis or making you feel drowsy and unmotivated.
3. Are you drinking at least eight glasses of water daily? Daily hydration (eight, 8-ounce glasses per day are recommended) keeps your mind sharp and allows your brain to function properly. It also helps to maintain your focus and attention.
4. Do you experience more positive thoughts or emotions than negative ones? Remember, just because you think something, doesn’t mean it’s true. Negative thoughts can take a toll on your mood, self-image, and view of others. Such thoughts can evolve into doubt, pessimism, and lower self-esteem, among other things.
5. Do you have effective ways for managing stress and incorporating “you-time”? Stress can happen anytime, and most often, does. Make sure you have activities or time in your day to help you unwind and relax.
6. Do you engage in physical activity or exercise regularly? Keeping your body active and moving produces endorphins that improve your mood, and helps you and your mind stay nimble.
7. Are you free of toxic relationships with friends, associates, or loved ones? The people that surround you directly affect your mood and energy.

If you answered “no” to any of these questions, here are suggestions to help you make a change.

1. Trouble sleeping? Try incorporating calming practices, such as taking a warm bath before bed, or using calming scents or candles around you (lavender is popular for its soothing and calming benefits).
2. Pay close attention to how the food you eat makes you feel hours later or the next day. You can also talk to your primary care doctor or a licensed nutritionist.
3. Set specific times and reminders to help you establish a routine for drinking water. Carry a large water bottle or thermos around with you.
4. Try to flip negative thoughts into positive ones when appropriate. Ask yourself how accurate a negative thought is—this often allows you to see the situation more realistically. Finding new ways to deal with challenging emotions can help motivate you and empower you. Working toward solutions will also help combat negative thoughts and feelings.
5. Carving out personal time has many benefits for keeping your mental health strong. Engaging in new activities or favorite hobbies allows you time to organize your thoughts, and unplug from your daily routine. One way to do this is by incorporating art to help reduce stress and increase self-awareness. Check out our Art Healing for Stress Management blog for more details.
6. Go for a daily walk or run. Sign up for a fitness class, or even look into wellness centers that incorporate daily movement. Iona has different fitness classes for you to choose from. You can also check out our newest program Around Town DC to locate fitness classes, and other activities in your neighborhood.
7. Maintain healthy boundaries with toxic people in your life. Toxic people drain you of your energy and take away from your happiness. Creating boundaries will free up space in your life for more supportive people and valuable activities.

Good mental health is important and needs constant nurturing. If you’re concerned about your mental health, talking it out with someone you trust can be a good starting point. Talk to a family member or friend, your doctor, faith leader, or a psychotherapist. You might also consider joining a support group.

We hope that you find these strategies helpful, and that you feel encouraged to take steps for your mental health today.

If you’d like to get connected to more resources, you can call our Helpline at (202) 895-9423 or email info@iona.org.